Separating Parents - 5 Tips Your Whole Family Can Follow to Ensure a Healthy and Easier Divorce

Divorce is Not the End

Although your family is changing, it is also still developing. We have all heard how a bad divorce can be devastating and traumatizing to the individuals in the family. This is because both parents, as well as their children, are still learning and growing. Divorce has no bias when it impacts; it will have an influence on any and all individuals in the family. Most importantly, all of the research on divorce and its affect on children points to the fact that the quality of the relationship of the divorcing parents is essential to the healthy adjustment of the children!!!! The only way to limit those devastating and traumatizing effects is by ensuring a healthy environment for the family to continue developing.

Divorce causes enough complications in life all on its’ own. The following tips can serve as guidelines to separating parents to help provide that healthy environment for your family to develop, as well as help make the divorce or separation easier.

5 Tips to a Healthier Easier Divorce

1. Communicate: Accurate and open communication does not only make it easier to work things out, but it is essential for healthy development. You can’t expect a child to learn their alphabet if you are teaching numbers as the alphabet, nor can you expect the details of divorce to be worked out easily unless there is accurate and open communication with every person in the family. A big part of communication is negotiation, and the first rule in negotiating effectively is to understand both sides of an issue. If you first try to see your spouse’s point of view, it goes a long way toward diffusing anger and resolving issues. Be willing to compromise and cooperate, as these skills will help make the divorce easier and less costly. Parents should discuss with their child/children the details of the divorce that will affect the child/children, such as changes in any activities, educational or otherwise, they are involved in, who will be living where, and how they will visit, keep in touch, and attend important events.

2. Keep the Peace: When things cannot be worked out between divorcing couples without an outside mediator, the complications brought on by divorce will only multiply. It’s never a comfortable or easy situation for children of any age to be around parents who fight and act with bitterness towards each other, nor is it the best example for parents to be showing their child/children. Take responsibility for managing your own behavior and you will lead by example. If you set the tone, it will keep things from escalating. When parents learn to let go of anger and bitterness and move on with life it helps their children learn how to get on with their life and be able to have healthy relationships of their own.

3. Be Fair: It takes two parents to create a child, and from the moment the child is created a relationship starts to develop between the child and each parent. It is unfair for anyone to expect that relationship to just cease to exist or to feel disloyalty because of that relationship. In addition, any criticism or blame on the other parent or attempt to damage the relationship between the child and parent can be traumatizing to children of any age. When parents work on their personal relationship with their child instead of trying to sever the child’s relationship with the other parent with criticism or blame, the relationship is more meaningful to the child, and will help the child learn how to build meaningful relationships of their own.

4. Take Care of Yourself: The adjustments that must be made as a result of divorce can take massive amounts of emotional energy, as well as put a kink in your normal way of life. Listen to and talk about your emotions; they’re not some evil arch rival. They are a part of you and they have a right to be acknowledged and attended to. Making time to relax, take pleasure in interests and activities, and be well rested is not just a way to keep some normalcy in your life but can also be a healthy and safe way to release any tension or anger you may be feeling. I have heard many times that the best medicines to any of life’s problems are prayer and laughter, as they always uplift your spirit and bring a smile to your face.

5. Allow Others to Help: Trying to deal with the flood of emotions and thoughts brought on by divorce alone can raise stress levels that are already elevated, delay your progress in healing, and could lead to an extensive range of complications. It really helps to have family, friends, and trusted adults who will allow you to talk about these feelings and thoughts without fueling any fires or pressuring you in any way. If your emotions and thoughts are overwhelming you, let a professional therapist or counselor help you deal with them. Doctors and other health professionals can help you find one.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~ Socrates

Although it can be difficult to heal from the pain and sadness, and to let go of the anger and bitterness brought on by divorce, it can and should also be an opportunity for both parents to find their personal happiness. A therapist or counselor can help families heal from the negative aspects of divorce, so that the individuals of the family can move on to find their personal happiness. Being the child of divorcing parents; you might not have much of an influence on how your parents behave. However, you can protect your own emotional well being by letting them know how their behavior makes you feel, reminding them that you are a part of them both, and firmly letting them know that you will not choose “sides”.

Author's Note:

This article is another written with 2 of my children in mind, with hopes that it will help lessen the traumatic effects, such as Parental Alienation, ensure a healthier future for other children who have to endure the changes of divorce, as well as ensure a healthier future for all the individuals of the family, by providing information on how to properly deal with divorce and the divorce process.

My children were only 4 and 5 when they had to go through their father and I divorcing. As I was a very young mother, not knowing as much then as I do now, they were never informed properly about the changes that the divorce would bring. As my children were not informed properly, they were more susceptible to Parental Alienation, which they have unfortunately been subjected to since the divorce began. Of course there is more to that story, however, that should be left to the private domain to help protect identities. I just wanted to make a side note to help bring more awareness to Parental Alienation as though it is commonly experienced by many, to the point where there are thousands who gather to talk about it on several different facebook, Yahoo, and other groups and chats, Parental alienation is not often talked about in the "married realm," and if you are just beginning the divorce process (leaving the married realm), it is wise that you know about it early on then to find out like I did. .

Parental Alienation is devastating to any child and their self worth as well as it is often frightening and confusing, as the child is being taught to hate, fear, disrespect, and avoid not only a parent who they once loved, but also a part of themselves by being manipulated to hate, fear, disrespect, and avoid one of the parents that made them, is a part of them, and most importantly - loves them. Parental Alienation is Child Abuse. If you are a parent reading this, please keep that in mind.

Copyright © 08/19/2011 by A.K. Love (dragnhaze)

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